my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
