He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
