my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
We smell like vodka and hangover
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