i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
