I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
