Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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