Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
