The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
