Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
