Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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