i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
