Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
