You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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