oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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