Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
