So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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