I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
