More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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