I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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