you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
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We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
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If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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