how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
