My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
