1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I understand Curling. That high.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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