my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Randomize
