I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
