I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
