Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
