I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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