i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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