Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
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the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
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I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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