I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
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