I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
