Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
