drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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