Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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