she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
whose parrot is this?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
