Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
