How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
