is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
