I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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