My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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