we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
