Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
