She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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