i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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