Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
