so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I smell like Dick and happiness
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