just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
