Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
