Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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