My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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