I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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