Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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