i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Randomize
