sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
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I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
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you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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