Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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