I am puke
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
