epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
