The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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